Travel Tips

Recently, a friend of mine sent me this funny little e-mail. I added a few travel tips...

First, the original message:

Open letter to President Bush
Dear President Bush:

I'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements. I know you can help with this.
I plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, passports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here.
So, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following:
1. Free medical care for my entire family.
2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not.
3. All government forms need to be printed in English.
4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers.
5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history.
6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down.
7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch.
8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services.
9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws.
10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English.
11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic celebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals.
12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don't enforce any labor laws or tax laws.
13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy.

I know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely.
However, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with your V.P.Thank you so much for your kind help.

Sincerely,
Cookie

Amusing...but I added....

Make sure to pay the coyote...oh, I mean "tour guide"...in advance for the travel arrangements. It will only be 6 months of your income...but don't worry...because that job in the steamy kitchen (oh, I mean "entertainment sector" position) - making less than the other Mexican nationals there - will pay off that debt lickety split. When your tour guide abandons you in the middle of the desert....you have nothing to fear because there are friendly armed vigilantes waiting to shepard you into the waiting arms of the local officials. So, if it takes a few times to make a successful crossing...never fear. Just pay another tour guide another 6 months of pay and you will be on your way.

Make sure to research the tour guides well, and read the fine print, because some of them will keep your children as collateral for the payments you will be required to make to them once you get to that cushy "entertainment sector" job. In fact, it is such a hassle to travel with the family, just leave them at home while you go on your "adventure". Again, make sure that the tour guides don't know where your house is, because sometimes, the more aggressive ones will find your wife and kids back home and just keep an eye on them for collateral. Those tour guides can be so pissy sometimes!

If you don't want to walk all that way through the cold (and alternately hot) desert, you can ride in comfort with 27 of your closest friends in the back of an SUV! That sure beats the heat and the snakes...and the scorpions....and the cactus... You may want to watch out for the driver. Sometimes they make a mistake and the local officials try to stop them to issue a traffic citation. In that case, just hold on tight...it is a ride better than any at Disney World! But even if you make it through the horrific accident, you will be covered with that "free" health care! So, no worries!

After your adventurous journey you can wire home 90% of your income - of course, the fees to wire can get pretty steep if you don't read the agreement well - who can make sense of all that legal mumbo jumbo anyway! Bring cash! Those wiring services don't take checks or credit/debit cards! Ask around because some of them just take the cash and give you a bogus wire slip....you know how those third world scams go! You wouldn't want to work 60 hours a week all for nothing now would you?

Anyway, I could go on with my travel tips...but suffice it to say...have a great time on your trip! Make lots of pictures! Send postcards!